New Baby, Sad Mommy

Dear Timothy,

The other day, I came across a series of books, one of which was called New Baby, Sad Mommy. It talked about what moms go through when they have a baby in kid-friendly language, and it got me thinking again about all that I've been though in the past 10 or so months since you arrived.

You know, I am so thankful that you are such an easy-going, chill child. I'm also thankful that you probably won't remember the first few months of your life, with the exception of who your mama and papa are.

Your arrival was highly anticipated and a joyful event. Translation: you were wanted before you were born, and your birth made many people very happy...

Many people, that is, except me.

It's not that I didn't want you; I did. Both your father and I wanted you, and we worked hard to get you here (that's a story for when you are much, much older). And it's not that I didn't want to be happy; I did want to be happy. But my body and my mind went through so many changes while you were growing inside of me and during your birth that my body needed some time to heal and recover. So being happy while I was healing was really hard.

One thing I want to make clear is that it wasn't your fault. I don't blame you in the slightest for what I went through. My body just didn't handle the pregnancy or the delivery super well, and so I struggled for a while. But I did my best to feed you when you were hungry, keep you warm when you were cold and comfort you when you were upset. I did the best I could in those first few months, but it wasn't easy.

You may be little, but you already know what it's like to not have something feel quite right. Sometimes it's a fever as your body fights off a virus or reacts to a needle. Other times, a tooth is coming in and causes you pain. Or maybe you're too warm or too tired, or else your stomach needs to be filled. You might not know or understand what's going on, but you know something's off and you're uncomfortable.

You might think I can do anything and that I know everything, but you'll soon discover that I can't and I don't. And I certainly didn't fully know what was going on inside of me after you were born. Like you, I just knew something wasn't right.

But unlike you, I needed a long time to figure things out and to feel better again. There was no adult version of cuddles, Motrin and food to quickly soothe me. I talked with a lot of different people, I took some meds, I prayed when I could, and I slept. I slept a lot. You and I used to nap together until one of us started kicking instead of sleeping.

As it turns out, time was one of the biggest healers for me. I think it was sometime a few weeks ago where I was able to identify that I had had a few good days in a row, and that something was different. I was more ... me.

And that meant I could enjoy you more and more, and become a better mama to you.

And that's what I'm trying to do now.

We'll keep on figuring out this mama-son thing, you and I, together.

Love always,

Mama